Sabíduria: A wisdom, an (Indigenous) Knowing

These words, herbs, and visions accompanied me through a monthlong spiritual ceremony of separation. The ceremony began with a vision in which I was in a jungle, sitting in front of a tree who grew its roots into my uterus to pull out my placenta. When I stood up, I stared down at a hole where my placenta lay wrapped in linen. I found myself pregnant while chasing a capitalist dream, and a medicalized abortion didn’t speak to the depth at which I was getting to know the spirits around me. My medical education lacked the spiritual connection I needed to process this loss, and it was in this moment of Indigenous Knowing that I needed ritual and ceremony to move through and heal the separation of a spirit attached to my body. I hope that my words and visions inspire you to call in your ancestral spirits, and separate from those that no longer serve you or wish to cause you harm. 

Earth son

The earth son has no soul 
he is a small duende shaped by bloody clay
he lives above lava, on cold earth 

Born to anchor me, his mother
because I have no earth inside me
I am fathomless dark water 
a torrent of wind, enduring

but I am not earth

I am not healed 

Indifference 

That’s the disease

It sits in my underworld 
like a glass eye 
Malicious observance 

it doesn’t feel so bad now 
Maybe it isn’t

Vomit 

go to bed

Ruda

(a cleansing herb, use to protect against evil eye, or spirits)

It’s shriveling, retreating, misstepping
because I am withholding 
Gorging on the source it so desperately needs 
to be grounded and earthly 

But I need it too

Mala Yerba

(Usually called Buena Yerba, a plant with a minty smell)

The more swollen and raw I feel 
the more certain I am of the Earth

mud, worms, moss

and as much as I scrub it off
my pores secrete 

wicked again
human

humiliating

Stone woman 

The stone woman walks in me now 
I feel her strong legs 
stepping angrily through my yard
on my couch 

running

leaping 

Where are we running stone woman? 
Where are you taking me
On my mothers’ legs

Mama Cacao

Mama cacao comes out from the tree
Taking his little hand the size of a newborn baby, walking 
clutching her wrinkled claw and off they go
Weeping watching them leave

I knew some who looked like you, little spirit
They reached out of the darkness to grab me when I was 3 
spiteful, flailing, dancing, grieving
Like an ancestor 
Only wilder

Mother Damiana

(A Mayan medicinal herb that can aid fertility if taken at the right time, or bring about bleeding)

It’s a boy, I can feel it
I felt that too, I told you
Just like I can feel your heart break
I’m not ready

If I could have a house for all of us to live in
For us to raise my child in
A way to provide for, then
Maybe I’d be ready
But mother, I don’t

And I am not
You weren’t either, but you are braver than I am
More selfless
The last thing he needed before leaving my body
Was to be wanted by the first place he was created
In my mother’s womb

Hoja Santa

(A strong, sweet tasting herb to bring down inflammation or infection in the uterus or aid in lactation)

he never had a heartbeat and he never will
Not in the way you imagine it
he’ll have one like we used to, when we
first grabbed the waves of existence
Before we were taught to numb and disconnect
from the call coming from the center of the universe
And started believing we are separate beings
In this way, he is more alive than me

Wild Yams

(Can aid in reproductive health, or cause harm at large doses)

I thank the body for creation
For earthly grounding
Never feeling so nauseous

Let me lay with you 5 more stillings
to nurture the little metronome heart ticking down time
empty vessels are also a clock
With no soul
Just passing time

One day
I will make you another clock
As soon as I am ready

Emmenagogue

Bowl of water, a bell 
rippling the air, Resonating the water
A call to blood comeforth

Mamá Pacha, Mamá Gaia 
Mamá Julia, Mamá Nena

Ayuden me
Que no me duela tanto 
que me den otra oportunidad 
a traer mis hijos a esta tierra 
que sea rapido y tranquilo

I will bring you back the spirit

Just not now

The Familiar

Pain beckoning
I am giving birth 

Swelling and churning
Tempo and sacrifice 
Time marches forward

to see the distortion of what life really was
in the rainforest where my family is from 
Held by the trees
I give birth to a little seed