I Hesitate

i know i will
before holding your hand
before kissing your cheek
in public
and for all of that i’m so sorry
all i want to do is move straight
towards your body
my arm your shoulder
my lips your cheek
but i let strangers pull me back
caught in a net
i was taught to swim
around the time i was taught
to wear dresses and barrettes
and some of that i’m still not so good at

i hesitate because if i magnet my hand
to yours that means we are together
meaning visible
meaning open to interpretation
i hate thinking like that
it’s too heavy to carry in this heat
but looks are being thrown
at us like a baseball and my reaction
is to catch and hold on for too long

inside of me lies moments in which i stumble
each crumpled like a first draft of my history paper
i don’t like
the way this started

but i wake up and put on the same clothes
and try to stutter-step a little less
i am and was and will be
gendered
i don’t care i just want to be pretty
just know i never hesitate
when i’m taking off my clothes in front of you
they’re like warm water falling off of me
and that is everything
that is everything